dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
