Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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