70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
