you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
