I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You may now shotgun with the bride
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
