How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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