I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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