apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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