There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
