decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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