Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
