I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Even my vagina gasped.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
