I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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