I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
