worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
