this boner is exhausting
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
