So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
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