I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
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