i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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