nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
