from now on my penis is your penis
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
