She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
