if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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