I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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