Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Randomize
