The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
