I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
