i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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