I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
