i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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