rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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