not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize