He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
