bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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