hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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