the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
