Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
