I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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