Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
