i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Houston, we have a squirter
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
