It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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