put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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