I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
cat food counts as protein by the way
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He better not be in your backpack
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
