Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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