I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
