somebody snuck up and got me drunk
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
not ubering you a puppy
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
