so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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