I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize