No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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