oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
