i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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