Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
