I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
