1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
