Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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