I will die if light touches me.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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