News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Even my vagina gasped.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize